Thursday, February 14, 2008

A Blogentine

I thought I'd take this opportunity to send a "Blogentine" (I know, I kill myself!) to all of you.

Gentlemen, think of it as a little glance into the complex mind of a straight woman.

Ladies, I know you feel me.

I've come to realize that we are in the midst of some sort of epidemic. There seems to be some sort of "bug" going around. Don't worry, girls- only in rare cases do we catch it. It seems as though mostly the fellas are susceptible. I've been doing my research, and although I am just an amateur when it comes to these matters- I think these boys may have caught something in…


Yes, this pesky bug may have been lurking in our beloved, collegiate hallowed halls, or in public bathrooms, dorm rooms, bars and even (dare I say!) frat houses! It is seemingly very contagious and even genetic in some families. And ladies, although it is rare that we catch this "bug", we CAN be carriers- passing it along from one guy to the next. Tragic.

I didn't even really plan on researching this epidemic, it just sort of annoyed my girlfriends and me so much that I couldn't avoid it anymore…I just had to over-analyze. We sat around restaurants, bars, basements and cars (hey, that rhymes!) going over our repeated qualms with these boys (unfortunately when they have the disease they can't yet be referred to as "men") and found that we had a real problem on our hands.

It seems as though these infected boys don't really know what they want (confusion), and they say one thing, but mean another (mood swings). They also seem to be lacking consideration (disconnected) for the lovely ladies around them.

Does this sound familiar yet?

Ladies, have you ever gone to a party and found yourself sitting in a corner, talking to a charming, attractive, witty guy for an hour or more? After this seemingly obvious connection has been made does he get your number, seem very interested, and then never call? Yep. It's the bug.

OR, do you ever find that you meet a guy out, have a great time, stay in contact for a bit and then come to find that it seems as though your dreamboat has fallen off the planet. You think "What did I do wrong?! Did I come on too strong?!" Well, maybe you did- I wasn't there, but if you're relatively normal, you probably didn't do anything wrong. He probably just has the bug.

Boys, do you find that you're relating to any of this? Do straight men even read my blog? Who knows? Chances are if a straight man is reading this he probably has the bug, but is exhibiting "denial" symptoms…either that or he's my dad. Hey Dad!

I know what you're all wondering…what about a cure? It seems as though the bug is something that is cured with a little thing known as "maturity". Shocking, I know.

Throughout my sitting around, being annoyed research, I've come up with some "at home" remedies:

Boys- First off, look up the words "considerate" and "consistency" and memorize the definitions. If you're considerate enough with a woman to be consistent, you may end up with something very good. If you are inconsistent, she will become annoyed by you and have little hope in the fact that you're the great guy that you think you are, because you're probably giving yourself too much credit anyway.

If you find you are interested in a young woman, please do not "half pursue" her. Do you like it when you only hear half a story? No. If you like her and want to take her out, do it. If you think she's cool, but realize that you don't want to date right now, then don't keep the cool, smart, funny girl around for the booty call. She's too cool, smart and funny for that. Call up that girl that sends you random, drunk texts saying "wut chu up 2 kutie". She probably lacks just enough self-respect (and intellect) to come right on over. Besides, if you're still in the booty call business, that's just the girl for you. Lucky for you, there is a SURPLUS of amazing, beautiful women out there just WAITING to be treated like the amazing, beautiful women they are.

Ladies- unfortunately we are slightly to blame. I know, I know- it's hard to hear, but listen up- I'm thinking that if we want a man, we should start holding our boys and ourselves to a higher standard, otherwise we'll be stuck with the doofballs that actually do want to go on dates with us, but spend half the date talking about their ant farm…OR the guys that start picking out baby names on the third date (no offense to the kind of girl that likes that kind of thing, but c'mon- that's weird). So, let's hold out and hold up, okay? Hold out for the gents that test "negative" for the bug (and any other disease for that matter…) and keep the standards up.

I think the above mentioned remedies (along with plenty of sleep and lots of fluids, of course) should help turn the bug around in most cases, and in those cases in which they don't help- please seek professional attention immediately.

Oh, and I have no future plans involving medical school, but I do plan on continuing to sit around and bitch about the male species with my friends.

Happy Valentines Day!

1 comment:

Cooper Willis said...

So, I started reading your blog but then I just, stopped paying attention. See, there's this other blog that I've been reading every now and again and... well, it's just not as much of a, what's the word -- commitment as say, your blog. And that's sorta more what I'm looking for right now? Ya know? I mean, your blog's great and all, it's just... it's me. Not you. I'm just totally kinda busy right now, you know, with work and all.

Oh, and if you decide to reply to this, don't expect me to comment back.

Happy Valentines Day!