Monday, February 4, 2008

Deju Vu

The saying, “People don’t change, situations do” is one that’s been rolling around my head for years now. I used to diligently collect quotations, starting some time around freshman year of high school, and I presume this was one I picked up from one of the lame, “inspirational” quotations pages I used to frequent.

For whatever reason that quote stuck in my brain…I think it may have had to do with the matter-of-factness of it. “This-is-a-fact-!”…and it was short. I remember identifying with it during my first year of high school, while I longed to be back in the eighth grade with familiar surroundings and the friends I loved best. I remember that quote scaring me. It is an “as opposed to…” kind of statement. Like, “as opposed to people just suddenly changing, they change as a RESULT of...” (Duh, I know)

I guess the part that bugged me most was just the change in general…whether I liked it or not, SOMETHING was going to change. I was to expect that if the people in my life didn’t immediately change; the situations would, thus ultimately changing all of us. (For an over-emotional, over-nostalgic 15 year old, this made me very, very sad.)

It is now eight years later and I find that this little saying still gnaws at me from time to time. I am post-college now and it’s a scary thing. I don’t know what I expected to be feeling right now, but it certainly wasn’t this. I don’t think I expected to feel so conflicted about what I’m exactly supposed to do with my life. Suddenly I find that I am identifying with my 15 year old self in an all too familiar way. No, I don’t want to be back at school and no, I no longer frequent lame, “inspirational” quotations pages (nor do I sport blue eye shadow) and in fact, I don’t want to be back anywhere, but the growing pains feel oh so familiar.

My situation is changing…has changed, and not since 1999 has a progression been so bittersweet. I am losing certainty, losing touch with people I don’t want to lose touch with, and watching once solid relationships get tested by, well, the change in situations.


Where to, buckaroo?

The friends I’d loved best when I was 15 are now people I have “remember when” conversations with when I run into them at north side bars every two years…and what’s familiar to me now bears little resemblance to the cozy halls of St. Raymond School…and hello! That’s definitely a normal/good thing!

I should probably surrender to this time in my life as one of self-insight and growth (albeit painful). This is just about the most normal kind of transitional thing young adults go through, right? I mean, have you SEEN The Graduate?! Anyway, I like to think that if I play my cards right, I may just end up a wiser 31 year old, looking back on my uncertain 23rd year, thinking “at least I’m not posting lame, ‘inspirational’ blogs anymore…”


1 comment:

Alex the Great said...

I am so happy you made your way into blogger. I also want to take this moment to say boo on us for not getting together more but since we both understand (presumably) what life is like when your busy and we both(presumably) forgive each other all is cool. still, i miss you and was so excited when i realized i could keep up with you on the blogger. we have much to catch up on, hopefully I can make it out to celebrate your birthday friday. I'm in West Side Story at Columbia right now and hopefully you can come see it...I don't mean to brag but its gonna be really awesome.
My blog is boring but you should check out my sisters under Myraface in the my peeps section for some cute pictures of the adorable Morgandy who keeps getting more adorable.